Ten Highly Educated Darwin
Award Winners

Generally, Darwin award winners are people who have died in the dumbest of ways. In this section, we will do a Darwin award compilation of winners and will also discuss the new Darwin award winners. As you have understood by now, these awards are for people who have embraced death by sheer stupidity and ignorance.

For example, Craig from Riverton in Utah decided that he’d try out a new, soft way of landing and splashdown in a canal. The first part went swimmingly, with Craig executing a perfect landing. Unfortunately, the swimming part didn’t go quite so well. Craig’s parachute filled with water dragged him downstream and drowned him. Another example would be of an individual named Rodney from Lake Washington. He was doing laps on the lake when he realized that his jet ski was running low on battery. Pulling up toward the shore, he moored his jet ski and ran to get a set of jump leads. He plugged the ends into a 110-volt outlet and ran down to the water’s edge carrying the crocodile clips. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop at the edge and plunged straight in, electrocuting himself instantly. His body was found floating under the dock later that evening.

Another case in the study could be of a gentleman named Wayne Roth of Pittston, Pennsylvania. In 1997, according to the Darwin Awards, Wayne was bitten by a cobra belonging to his friend Roger after reaching into the tank to pick the poisonous snake up. “I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Wayne told Roger. “I’m a man. I can handle it.”

On Wayne’s suggestion, the pair headed to a pub instead. There he proved what a man he was by sinking several pints, boasting about the bite, and promptly dying about an hour later.

• #1
  In 2003, John, a Los Angeles real estate attorney from California, was skimming leaves from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught in the power lines. His education had equipped him with sufficient understanding to become a successful litigator. Yet, he was not wise enough to avoid becoming a toasty critter when he reached up with the long metal pole and poked at the palm frond. Did I mention the power lines? John was, for once, the path of least resistance.
• #2
  Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist in the sixteenth century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory, he stood outside in the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didn’t freeze, but Bacon did.
• #3
  Next on our list is a geology scientist named James. He decided to get rid of a pesky wasp nest with the help of a trusty dirt devil vacuum cleaner. Armed with this fearsome weapon, James attacked the wasp nest. He sucked up all the wasps, which buzzed angrily as they struggled in vain against the wind tunnel. The dust bag was soon alive with their buzzing. What James did next to get rid of the disgruntled living wasps was a moronic masterpiece. He held the vacuum tube in one hand, a can of RAID in the other, and proceeded to spray the insecticide into the vacuum. Our smart young scientist failed to remember that aerosols are flammable, and vacuum cleaner motors generate heat. The resulting explosion removed his facial hair and scattered the dusty, angry contents of the Dirt Devil all over the vicinity.
• #4
  Next on the list is an astronomer named Marc, who had earned a Ph.D. from the California Institute of Technology. He used to work as an Associate Professor at the University of Arizona focused on the Hubble constant, the study of carbon-rich stars, and their velocity distribution in dwarf spheroidal galaxies. The Mayall observatory dome has an access ladder attached to the side. The ladder rotates with the dome and is a potential hazard to things in its path. Anticipating “operator error,” the builders designed the dome motor to switch off if the ladder approaches the open hatch automatically. Observers are not supposed to open the hatch while the dome is rotating, but Marc didn’t “observe” that key rule. He opened the hatch and peered out at the sky. The momentum of the heavy dome keeps it turning for a few seconds after the motor is switched off long enough for the ladder to impact the outward-opening hatch, which slammed the hatch shut—crushing the unfortunate astronomer’s aspirations.
• #5
  Dr. Jack Barnes of Cairns, Australia, failed to halt the spread of his mad scientist genes, but his survival wasn’t due to a lack of effort on his part. In 1966, Barnes was hot on the heels of the source of a mysterious illness called Irukandji Syndrome. Sufferers endure excruciating back pain, sweating, and nausea. He suspected that the source of the illness was a tiny marine creature, so he set about finding it by sitting on the seabed for hours, wearing a weighted diving suit. In pursuit of getting to the bottom of this syndrome, Dr. Barnes got himself, his son, and a lifeguard stung by a toxic jellyfish.
• #6
  Next on the list is the “Unbitable Erich” of Switzerland! Just after one remora swam between Erich’s legs, a shark followed and–unaware that Erich’s yoga techniques had turned him into a fellow predator–snapped off a huge chunk of his left calf. He was pulled from the water in shock and flown by air ambulance to West Palm Beach, Florida, where doctors tried to save the remains of his leg and his life.
• #7
  Pilot Patrick, 52, was up to the task of hopping his new plane home. Licensed to fly commercial aircraft, Patrick had 10,000 hours of flight time and an instructor certificate. But during the first two take-off climbs, aviation fuel had entered the cockpit and sloshed around his feet! A mechanic checked and advised not to fly the aircraft, but Patrick’s solution was to fly without turning on the aircraft’s electrical systems. In pilot jargon, that is known as flying ‘in the dark’. Patrick’s decision is especially baffling because the aircraft was newly purchased, and its trustworthiness was not yet established. Subsequently, the aircraft took off from Missoula International Airport but suddenly turned and crashed, exploding into a fireball. The NTSB report states, “The pilot was [likely] distracted by fuel entering the cockpit and failed to maintain adequate airspeed as he returned to the airport to rectify the [fuel] problem resulting in an aerodynamic stall/spin.”
• #8
  The instructing pilot, Lt. Ruth, 31, was hellbent on teaching his advanced flight student Lt. Burch, 25, the old maxim, “There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots…” At T-minus 35 seconds, Ruth deviated from the flight path and commenced a descending turn to demonstrate terrain-following techniques. He then returned the aircraft to Burch and instructed him to make a hard right turn. But the plane was too slow and too low. In response to the irregular maneuvers, the T-45C Goshawk training aircraft stalled above the rising terrain. Too low. Too slow. Too late. Unable to eject safely, both lieutenants earn entry into the Double Darwin Awards archives.
• #9
  Next on the list is a Russian scientist named Professor Alexander Zharkov. The Oxford University professor had been in the habit of drinking laboratory ethanol until he unwittingly poured his last drink from a bottle of methanol. According to Usenet scientists, methanol is a common lab solvent that looks and smells like ethanol but is “five times as toxic and five times less intoxicating.” Those who drink it invariably drink too much. “By the time methanol symptoms are recognized, treatment, including kidney dialysis, maybe too late.” The 44-year-old professor of Ecology was said to have had poor vision and probably misread the label.
• #10
  In 2006, A patrol officer from Wisconsin came to speak to our Drivers’ Education class about safety. Like all such officers, he came with several cautionary tales, and the irony of this one stayed with me. In a town down the road, seven college kids decided to raise a little ruckus after a party. They all piled into a pickup, one in the cab and the rest in the back, and they drove down deserted backroads pulling stop signs out of the dirt. The goal was to get as many as possible into the truck. Speeding back to the party, they were struck by a delivery vehicle at–you guessed it–an intersection which had, until recently, sported a safety marker. The six in the back of the truck were killed, and the driver was badly injured. The patrol officer said he would never forget the sight of the dead students sprawled at the wreck, surrounded by twenty-seven stop signs.